What happens when we unexpectedly become someone other than the person we thought we were?
I arrived at a small karaoke evening feeling tired and preoccupied. Then a familiar song began, and I joined in. Hearing my own voice, I felt unexpectedly bold and playful. I found myself enjoying the imperfect notes, the shared laughter and the freedom of doing something without needing to do it particularly well. For a few minutes, the story I had been telling myself no longer quite fitted. My concerns remained, but they occupied less of the scene.
Martin Stanton places the karaoke effect among unconscious processes that unsettle fixed explanations of our experience. Drawing on his image, we might think about how a familiar song provides a space for an unexpected emotional story to emerge. We enter something already created, yet our participation gives it a meaning that cannot be entirely predicted.
The words and melody already exist, but what we experience through them can surprise us. A sorrowful song may bring exhilaration; a playful performance may carry grief. Feeling moves beyond the account we thought explained us. We may discover tenderness where we expected embarrassment, or a sense of possibility during a period we had understood only as exhaustion.
Such moments invite us to reconsider how completely we know ourselves. Descriptions such as “I am withdrawn” or “I have lost my enthusiasm” may capture something real while leaving other possibilities outside the frame. A different setting, another person’s invitation or an imaginative encounter can change what becomes available to us.
Connections with other concepts
A useful comparison is flow, described by Jeanne Nakamura and Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi: becoming deeply absorbed in an activity, with less attention directed towards monitoring ourselves. Singing, making something or playing music can bring this quality of involvement. Flow emphasises absorption; our reading of Stanton’s karaoke image draws attention to the unexpected emotional meaning that can emerge through participation.
Donnel Stern’s relational thinking adds another dimension. He emphasises how spontaneity allows new experience to take shape between people. At a karaoke evening, another person’s encouragement, shared laughter or willingness to join in may influence what becomes possible. The experience develops through our encounter with the music and with one another.
What we would explore in therapy
At Contemporary Psychology Clinic, we might begin with a song, image or dream that surprised you. What feeling appeared? What became imaginable? What happened when the moment passed? We could explore the circumstances too: being with particular people, feeling less observed or having permission to be playful.
We would allow associations to develop before settling on an explanation. A remembered melody might lead to a scene, a wish or a feeling that ordinary conversation has not yet reached. We would follow what holds meaning for you, leaving room for uncertainty and for your understanding to change.
Joy and sadness could remain together while we explore their meaning. Feeling briefly alive during a difficult period does not make the difficulty less real. It may, however, offer a glimpse of something worth making room for.
The therapy relationship can also leave space for these discoveries. A spontaneous image, an unexpected laugh or a different way of describing an experience may open a direction neither person had anticipated. The therapist’s task includes noticing these moments without explaining them so quickly that their possibilities disappear.
We would also consider whether something from that experience could find a place in everyday life: returning to music, allowing more playfulness or giving a creative impulse time. The question would be what conditions help that possibility become accessible again.
Sometimes a feeling finds a form before it finds an explanation.
References
- Stanton, M. (2007). Ex cathedra: Teaching, transference and knowledge. European Journal of Psychotherapy & Counselling, 9(2), 147–156.
- Nakamura, J., & Csikszentmihalyi, M. (2014). The concept of flow. In Flow and the Foundations of Positive Psychology (pp. 239–263). Springer.
- Stern, D. B. (2024). On Coming into Possession of Oneself: Transformations of the Interpersonal Field. Routledge.